I have had enough, just a bit too much. Monday: planning to go out with alex whom i havent seen in uh say almost a year? Cancels hours before, he has a meeting with a client for work, ok that was excusable, tuesday, charlie wants to come over and chat, i like talking to people, she doesnt turn up, doesnt say anything, today, go to town, to see abbie for a film and just some fun, she doesnt turn up either. 

OK WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH PEOPLE??
3 days in a row, and I would not be surprised if we could make it f-in! 7 days in a row because it seems like thats where its headed.

Secondly, say for example you were still a bit pissed off at someone for being completely childish and selfish but thought well lets be nice to them, because otherwise your own friends might start to think that you're a cow. Then the person you are annoyed at, tells someone else to get their number off of you ..... >=( I MEAN COME ON!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???

ugh Ive had enough of people .. oh and technology, I just want to go live in a cave away from everyone else and be happy. Because Im most happy when im alone at the moment.

I can't believe how fast time goes, Ill have been working where i am at the moment for 9 months at the end of oct and i will have been 18 for 1 month, single for more. Its kind of sad to just feel like important events that happened in your life becomes shadows of the past, Special memories that you shared with a certain someone, becoming worthless. I miss my friends who have all left for uni, and steph came to visit today, amazing independent steph, who always cheers me up =)

Uni is the goal of the future, and other things planned I hope will also come to pass, but I hate the fact that you can still just suddenly miss people, that you set your heart on, and then they hurt you all over again. My last break-up was the best and worst experience of a relationship that I have had I think, people with emotions, true emotions still wanting to interact. OK so I cried down the phone and he wanted to come make sure I was alright, but that was all I needed, just to know that even though I wasnt wanted in 'that' way anymore, I was still a person of worth. my feelings and if i was alright did matter.

Being single or taken is not important, ive come to realise this, Im happy when I am truy happy with who I am within myself, alone or not. I miss so many people. Imi, Steph, Winz, Jay, Mikey-chan, Luke, Chris. I think I may have said before, you all have a little place in my heart, and no matter what ever happens between us, it will always be there, I will NEVER forget you and thats a promise. In a way you've all made me into who I am today, and for that im thankful,

I like who I am.
I love who I am because I love you who love me.

Please never forget me.
♥
 

Gosh 11 weeks since my last update.. thats like almost 3 months?!
Mind you I have been very busy with exams and Im so glad they're over now. =D College is pretty much over for me now, even though I still have an A1 to A2 week left. However I'm not going because I will be in wales with the family for camp meeting. Which will be awesome: First time that all 4 of us will be going down for the whole week. And then after that ... SOUTH AFRICA!!! less than a week and a half before I fly off .. wweeeeehhhhh!! =D Can you tell Im excited? .. So if you're wondering where I've dissappeared off to again .. that's where I'll be and won't be back till the 10th of July.

Work is awesome! .. Well I mean its work but its so nice to meet so many new people .. especially guys ;) haha!! Too bad the really cute one is 24 almost 25 =/ pooey .. a bit old .. 21/22 is my max age range at the moment ;P Don't be shocked hehe. Mind you there is someone I like at work that's quite nice, he works in the duty free shop. But I don't know, as always there is bound to be some hesitation. But I'm quite happy to because after all that's half the fun!!

I've been enjoying the sunshine soo much the past week! Got sunburnt atleast twice. Haha silly Dezi .. but it seems to be turning into brown so maybe I can haz a tan plz? ^.^

And another thing I HAVE to add .. when I come back from holiday I'm buying another huge tiger =D .. I'm such a big kid .. oh yeah and that reminds me .. I'm going out with that guy I like from work .. dunno what we're going to do yet .. but I have an I.O.U . and apparently he will buy me lunch. No Idea why that slipped my mind .. maybe that's a good thing ey? .. means my head isn't stuck in the clouds =D Any comments suggestions? ;)

Gosh I'm in such a sing-songy mood! ♫♪
Love you all!
Dezi xxxxxx

It's not fair,
how can it all just come back like that .. the feelings, the memories .. and you're honest .. and it hurts even though you thought you had healed ..

its not about luke .. sod him .. sex was more important to him that being with someone that he cared about.

atleast it feels good to cry ..

a book on how to build a raft, a thriller, a romance, a comdey and my bible.

**WARNING* explicit description of illlness .. (i felt i needed to warn you)

Im so tired of being ill =[ Im so dizzy all the time, and i don't want to sit  or stand or lie down or anything. I thought that today i would be much better since ive been off since wednesday but this morning when i got up i had to sit down again because it felt like i was spinning and i felt sick. Not to mention i cant even take a shower without having to suddenly jump out and then being sick in my bin .. and its not normal being sick its basically retching , bringing up nothing more than stomach acid..

I have work tomorrow and i dont know how im going to manage .. i dont know if my parents will undersand even though they've been looking after me really well these past few days. Im sacred that they'll think im making it up. Im not even hungry. But i know i have to eat because otherwise i wont get well..

And its not nice to have people, that you go to college with not even wonder where you might be untill the 3rd day that yo have been absent. I dunno. I wish i could just go lie in a ditch if it would make me feel better. And medicine isnt exactly helping. Atleast the numbing shooting pains in my hands, legs and pretty much the rest of my body has stopped. ...

I think im gonna go again .. i feel pretty sick =[

Ive always loved music, I need it to help me explain how i feel and sometimes you stumble on certain songs which just seems to be written for your particular situation or feeling or whatever .. sorry im sounding like a weird drugged up person but who cares =p

i absolutely love this song by sarah mclachlan - Elsewhere .. I guess to me its about how i have my own world and there will always be that private side to myself as long as I am myself. ..

Lyrics

I love the time and in between
The calm inside me
In the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
Distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out holding in

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand

I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
To live my life the way I feel is right for me
Might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand it

I would like to linger here in silence
If I choose to
Would you understand it
Would you try to understand...

~
xxx

Okay this is probably not so intereting for most people but we've had the first proper snow for aaages here. It started sunday evening and carried on till today. It's kind of messed up the country but who cares .. it was so amazing to step out of the house this morning and no one else had set foot in outside in our street and it was a perfect cover of white. =D

Was gorgeous .. what wasnt so gorgeous was when we got to gosport and the snow had turn to sleet and after 45 minutes we were told we can go home. They're closing the college because fewer than 20% of the student bothered turning up. So I got soaked walking up to the bus station just to get on a warm bus instead of waiting a half hour in the cold. =\

Ah well .. we're having some nice unhealthy take-out tonight so I'm cheerd up and i watched Hot Fuzz again xD I think I have a new favourite film hehehe

Yeah lifes ok. i finished my photography project on time and my art isnt doing too bad. Relationships .. lets just say im in a good place right now .. I cant get hurt but I won't feel too lonely so hey.
tara!
xx

So as some of you will know .. I had no idea on what I want to do after college .. what university to go to and what to study? Well I was looking up some adventist universities on the net just to see what they had on offer and I had a brilliant idea .. well in my opinion anyways. I still don't know if I want to do a third year at St Vincent's .. depends all on what I take next year. But I will definately be taking photography A2. Then after college I want to go to Newbold for atleast a year. My brother said they're introducing new course at the start of the next academic year so I'll wait and see if they have anything that I like and could possibly want to study after my 'gap' year there. Otherwise I want to go to ANDREWS UNI (in america if some of you don't know)  Because photography is something I enjoy. And bascially the next tick box on my list is that I want to go to an adventist institution. It's the only place where I think I'll ever feel comfortable with myself to a reasonable degree. Also looking for my mr right will be easier in the sense that atleast we already have a few things in common ... that is if they follow the fundamentals of the church.

So this is just a possibility. Not a 100% set in stone. Number one priority would be to actually get through college here and then find a job so I can start saving for uni because there is no way my parents can afford to send me to uni let alone andrews. =D

I feel a bit relieved really that I kind of have a goal at the moment, even if it might change some time wodn the road.

>End of rant<
 

Again I was right. I don't know how I do it. I knew and still I was hoping I was wrong. But I've been prepared for it in a way. It can't hurt any more than it already has. Now I just want to know who knew and wouldn't tell me.... You're supposed to be my friends. Just shows me I can't put my trust in most people. I open up and somehow people always end up shoving me back into my shell.

All I want to say is none of you will ever see me cry. You're not worth it and I don't know how its going to be from now on.

The title probably makes no sense to anything I'm going to say, but it's a title =P

Back to college tomorrow. YAY! I am actually excited. I miss seeing all my mates in our group. And even though I saw some of them several times over the holidays it just wasn't the same. =) So I am happy to be going. I'm not even not looking forward to all the college work I have to do. . . . Wow I'm in such a good mood right now. ^.^

In other news .. I'm re-reading the third book in the twilight series because I can't remember a thing :\ I wasn't really paying attention to its the first time and that was aaaages ago. Then I need to read number 4. I haven't read that one but apparently it's very dramatic with undead babies and all that. Haha sounds interesting.

Of the 5 budgie eggs only 1 has hatched which in itself is a miracle, even though I'm still secretly hoping that we';; have just one more hatch. Mind you it is very annoying when the frikkin thing squeaks the whole night through. xD If it didn't wake me up I was dreaming about it squeaking. Oh dear. I'll just have to get used to it. Another thing  that I have enjoyed a lot over the holidays is that my parents let me go out on my own. Now for some of you that might not be a big deal but for me and my uber protective parents it is. I went to town several times and got the bus on my own or with friends with not a lot of questioning involved. Ahh yeah I also saw twilight. In my opinion it was pretty good. They didn't butcher the book too much .. just left things out and portrayed scenes in different ways than I'm sure all we readers imagined differently. Odd to say that I didn't like the actor guy they picked for Edward but through the film he kinda grew on me. Their Bella was a pretty good representation, not what I would have imagined immediately but it did somewhat fit my expectations.

Well thats my film review =P I better be off since my dad's cousin has just arrived and we're having a sunday roast thing .. we never do that heh.

xxxx

For some of them I dont have answers but if you can think of something let me know and Ill fill it in =)


A - 
B - Bookworm
C - Caring
D -
E -
F -
G - Gigglish
H - Happy
I  -
J - Joyous
K - Kooky
L - Loving
M -
N - Nice
O - Overbearing
P -
Q - Questionable
R - Ridiculous
S - Silly
T - Tactical
U - Understanding
V - Very Oblivious
W - Weak
X -
Y - yeah ... xD
Z - Zany

Out of the blue I know, but I knew something was wrong. Luke called me up on saturday evening and I could hear it was hard for him. But he said he thinks we rushed into things and it wasn't fair on me if he didn't feel the same way about me  so it wasn't going to work. I kind of expected what he was going to say .. my response included it's fine and can we still be friends, to which he said id like that or id like that very much .. i can't be sure. But yeah.

I was quite confused at first. What did he mean by feeling the same way? ... Did he think I was in love with him? Because I'm not .. wasn't ... isn't. I don't know. But I can see that there was a lot of pressure on both of us at college, everyone was pestering us about if we were going out yet or not. And then also with the run up to Christmas there was an issue of time. I told him I could wait, but I dunno. It's not all his fault. It's just something that happens. And I'm glad that Im not hurt as much as I could have been. I have had my heart broken before and that was hell to be honest. This strangely didn't hurt as much .. it didn't even hurt a little bit. Just made me very very confused.

You know I felt silly because I was happy and you know you talk about being happy and such and then the next moment this happens. I've talked to some people who knew about us more, about it and well we're all ok with it. I'm not hurt. Im good actually.

Ive thought a lot about just talking to him, but settled to sending him a text a while ago just telling him that he isnt the only one that should apologise and i apologised and made clear that he doesn't have to worry that he hurt me and that i wasn't in love with him because I had to make that clear. And that I'm glad that he was honest with me, and I'm leaving it up to him how it goes from now. We're still friends and I don't think it will be too awkard. To be honest I wasn't sure if I should have sent him the text but i like closure and I did say that I only wanted to bring it up this once. I didn't want to discuss it again and again. He's at work now so he won't reply. Which is good.

I can't help thinking that there might still be a chance for us to try again even though that sounds silly. But I'm not going to push it or try right away. I'll let him make the move if he wants to again. I don't know. Ah well. It was fun while it lasted. No matter how short. I just still feel a little bit silly. heh :\

Even if he isn't the one right now .. I'm sure there is someone out there .. I just have to wait .. as always....

Snatced from mbrsart   and polargriff 
( Read more... )
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OMYGOSHOHMYGOSH .... i so wanna see it >.>
its like an epic romatic story but its not soppy and corny or cheesy or whatever ... hmmm
*plotsdraggingluketogowatchtwilightwithself*

As facebook would say: 'Dezi Lewis is no longer listed as being single'

*smileslikeanidiot*

Ok so Luke had to meet the parents before he can take me out alone. Poor guy was ill this last week but came in on thursday and today. So yes he did come over last night. To make a long story short, my parents like him, thinks he's decent and very nice. And he thinks they're a nice family too.

He's so sweet. He hasn't asked me out yet, but thats because he wanted to meet my parents first and because he doesn't want to ask me at college. Today one of out friends asked us: 'So when are you going to tell everyone about you two?' and we were like huh what? and then he said: oh its because he hasn't asked me out yet and she said oh well you can ask her now, haha he just replied saying he doesn't want to do it at college, which to me is just like aw .. =)
Like later in the day he commented and said he feels like not bothering to wait now and to just ask me at college but I just told him, I can wait. I mean at the moment im not too bothered about it, well of course I want him to ask my out but if he wants to wait for a special moment then I cant argue with that. I mean we still hold hands and sit together, which is kind of like the best bit. yeah sorry this post is about him again. My mum is just a bit annoying because she keeps saying: 'oh yeah he's just your 'special' friend.' and its not like im going to marry him and i shouldn't get to close. I mean i can understand that but surely I know myself well enough to know how close is too close. I just want to do everything that a normal couple does bar the sexual things. I mean kissing is alright. =)

He kept asking this week if I'm free anytime this weekend or sometime in the evening next week, but sadly im completely busy this weekend. We have to go to this stupid christmas service on the Island and I really can't be asked. I know I must sound horrible. But I can't wait for the day that I only have one church to go to. And even the day that I move out. Sometimes my parents are too overbearing even though I love them to bits.

Next week is the last week of college before we break up!! I'm so happy because I've been running low on energy. I just hope that I'll be able to see Luke during the break because I mean I miss not seeing him over the weekend .. 2 weeks would be horrible xD though Im sure I'd survive. I really have calmed down a lot with the thinking about him and talking to him. I guess it's because I'm not scared of him losing interest and such. I think we're both comfortable at where we are with each other at the moment.

In other news, my budgies have eggs! Olive has 4 eggs now and they will hatch one after the other after christmas starting on or after the 27th of December. Im quite excited. Of course I won't keep them. There isnt enough space in the cage and even though we have more they make too much mess and to be honest getting some money for them will be good =)

anyhoo thats all to update on now.
xxxx

Life's kinda good at the moment. College isn't a lot of hassle not to mention that I see a certain someone each day there. Yes Luke. We're kinda an item but not officially going out. He told someone that he won't ask till he's met my parents which is gonna be next thursday. =P He's told me several times that he's a bit nervous because he doesn't want to mess it up and not be able to take me out. That is on my own. Another thing that is good about him, and please excuse the rant, he respects me for what I believe in. Even though he doesn't himself believe in something and stick to it he admires me for being able to do that. =D and that is more than anything that I could have wished for. I've just been so happy the past week.

My parents obviously know now and they don't seem to fussed at the idea. I was really worried about their reaction and that they were gonna be like: 'no you can't go out with anyone' but its not. whew. My piano lessons are going really well. I really do hope that one day I will be able to play like a master. =D =D

Sorry I can't stop smiling.

Another thing I have to mention is that I'm so grateful for my best friend at college. Julia. She is absolutely awesome. We talk about everything and we can just be frank and honest with each other. She wasn't in today because a load of people have been ill and well I felt kinda lost. I LOVE HER!!! hehe.
Tomorrow we have a youth day at Portsmouth church. For once Im not doing anything, I'm just going to enjoy the service. I'm really enjoying church after having been off for about a month. I know thats bad but my spiritual life has picked up lately.

A few more weeks till christmas. I'm kinda excited but its a bit too early for me to really care.

xxxx